#VLearned - How to Distinguish Feelings vs God's Voice (Sign)

Last week, I dive with my husband at Gorontalo, at my 1st dive (the 2nd day dive)

I experience panic attack.

When we are at the boat, everything was perfect.

The water was great, we already have a small breakfast, have a good sleep night before.

We dive at 8/9 am, so it's not too early dive
I have 2 dive the day before

My equipment are in good condition and my log already 50ish dive anw

I jump to the water and the water also great, not too cold.

But when I descend, only 1 meter under the water, I feel scared because the visibility was very poor.

I can see my husband right infront of me, but I scared that I can lost him due to the visibility.

So I gave him a hand signal to ascend, just for a talk. at the surface i told him that the visibility was very poor, please dont be far from me, so that I can see you

Then we descend again, i think only 3 meter above the water, I thought I can not see anything. i cannt see my husband also , the visibility was so poor, we are near the beach and it is a cape, so the sediment go up. My heart beat faster, I think this is not safe for me to dive, I immediately ascend again feel safe.

At the surface, I tell my husband that the water was scary. He calm me, and gave me time to back to underwater. I ask time, since my heart beating so fast, I said, I need an air (i know it's not logical, because I have 250 bar air on the tank with me). Then, I tried again, by looking the water from surface but the water visibility was really really scared me, and my heart beat more faster. I gave up, I thought might be this is God's sign for me to tell me that there is danger inside the water.

So i back to the boat, while my husband still continue the dive. 

At the boat, I saw that the other group still progress to jump to the water. 

While looking at them going to jump, I am asking to my self, and here's my lesson:

1. God's sign vs Feelings

For entire my life, I always rely on God's sign. Even when I driving, I will ask God, should I go right or left for a light traffic. And basically I always asking divine peace for my direction, If i dont feel the divine peace, I will literally change the direction.

So when I was on the boat, I asking God, what it is? why I feel what I feel. Is it your sign, that I should not continue the dive? is there something danger there..

But...... of course there is no answer from heaven for this, wkwkkwk

serem banget kalau tiba2 Tuhan dari atas langsung jawab kan ...

Just silence..... but suddenly my heart not beat faster again... and there is a divine peace...

suddenly, there is thought that said 'jump again, if you dont do that, you will get the trauma'

well.. i never do this before,

but I try to name the feelings, what feelings that i encounter in the underwater, I found out that I have fear

I try to understand the feelings. I basically have a fear on uncertainty, and the poor visibility makes me fear because i cannot control the situation. 

2. Fight my own fear

From that, I realize, that I need to fight my fear, I dont want to live in the fear and have trauma, and doesnt enjoy the live that God gave to me. there is a lot of beautiful things underwater and I want to enjoy it. and I dont want to limit my self just because I have that fear (that become trauma if I dont fight it)

3. Ask God for a Help

And after I name my feelings, and know that it's not God sign but this is my feeling. 

and I need to fight this feelings
I ask God, 'please help me, be here, held my hand and do it together with me'

then I ask the dive Master can i join his group? he happily said of course

then I wear all my gear and jump to the water.

4. It's very oke to failed, but what matters is Try again and again

If you think when I try it was easy, of course nottttt..

after I jump, I ask the dive master can I dive close to him, so that i can feel safe, he said oke, 

because we still waiting for everyone to the water 

I try to look again to the water, so that I can familiar with the water visibility,

BUTTTT when I see the water, my heart beat faster again (padalah belom underthewater, cuman liat aja dari atas, haha)
but here I am beaing a human I said to the dive master 'OMG the visibility was poor, apa ga usah turun ajah yah..' the dive master try to calm me again just like my husband do

suddenly I laugh inside, and confirm that this is fear not God's sign 

well, thanks God take a long time for the group to jump to the water, so that I can try to familiar with the water first

thennnn it is time for me to ascend, i try to brave my self. the hardest time when only 30 cm underwater, now the fear change (because i already familiar with the poor visibility), the feeling that come was fear of feeling the fear and gave up. aneh yak

I keep busy my self by talking to God, so that I dont feel that feelings. 

and finally I was under thewater, 5-8meter under. telinga aman, bouyanci aman, semua aman... udah mau maju ke depan and thennnnnnnnnnnn I feel I can not see anything again, everything was full with sand, suddenly my heart beat faster again  (haha gila yak capek yak) , and I want to go to the surface (rasa ingin menangis, soalnya bener2 abu2 semuanyaaaaaa)

5. find a support system and right tools

and  while I fight with my fear, suddenly my dive master turn on his torch, and now I can see (of course s that I dont feel fear again) I laugh inside, ya ampun jadi dari awal sebenernyaaaa bisa pake torch, kenapa ga kepikiran.

and this is it, because of the torch i feel brave. and afteer dive not more that 50 meter (5 min dive), the water now become clear and beautiful, i enjoy the dive even go deep to 29m and the dive master leave me alone not assist me in the water.

if you think that i already conquer my self and not affraid to dive again, of course not

on my 2nd and 3rd dive i still to do everything that i can to calm my self because the fear of the feeling of the fear always coming up when i descent, but eventually i can cqonquer it and dive.

but what i glad that i acknowledge the feeling and the fear. so that when it araise again, i can counter it. 

6. ask God first to help you not human or tools

i realize that i relly more on my husband when i was dive, i forget that i need to rely to my creator first. he is my first love and the one who will always protect me